As a bloke, and a husband, I always find it fascinating and alarming in equal measure to listen to minister’s wives talk to me at our wives’ conferences. I think, for the most part, the wives are more honest than their husbands or, at least, more direct about the various joys and struggles of ministry. Here are five themes I picked up this year – they’re all pretty general as I don’t want to reveal any confidences. However, I did wonder as I heard some of these things whether husbands were aware of them or (in some cases) their own negligence. Make of them what you will.
1. “I get to hear hardly any Bible teaching”. This is a common refrain. Wives are often busy running the Sunday School (because no one else will) or with the younger kids. Her husband is always on duty and so her spiritual input tends to be picking up a few crumbs here and there. We get many women coming to our conferences who simply can’t get enough input because it’s their only annual fix. Guys, how did you let things get like this?
2. “My walk with God is completely dry/I don’t have a quiet time”. This is not quite the same point as number 1. A number of wives confided this year that their spiritual life is completely dry. Time is taken up with kids, husbands, ministries and so on and they have let things slip. My follow up question was generally, ‘Does your husband know?’ More often than not the answer was no. The blame here – in my mind – lies squarely with husbands, called to lead their families. It is no kind of leadership to squeeze the spiritual life from your spouse. Shame on you.
3. “My husband and I have no time together.” This is a common refrain, sometimes expressed more explicitly in terms of sexual intimacy (or lack of it). Not only is a lack of intimacy prohibited by Scripture (1 Cor 7), it is a sign of deeper malaise. Often the flip side of this is that our kids demand all our time, but the best gift to our kids is a strong marriage. Again, husbands need to bear some or all of the blame here.
4. “My husband spends all his spare time in ministry.” I want to be careful critiquing this complaint. Ministry is all consuming. Those of who are ministers need to feel something of the burden of the high calling we have as under-shepherds of Christ’s sheep. But we serve neither our people, nor our wives (nor Christ) by operating as though we were single men. Paul is right, being married and in ministry does mean we have ‘divided interests’ (1 Cor 7.34). That is not a complaint on Paul’s part, it is simply a statement of fact. But many married ministers carry on as though they were not.
5. “I am not discipled or taught by any elder women.” Perhaps this is for younger wives especially. But a shocking number tell of how they are not mentored at all. There is very little Titus 2 stuff going on. Perhaps, you say, this is not down to you. Maybe so. Maybe not – as a husband and a minister, you should be making sure your wife is pastored, just as you should be ensuring all women are pastored appropriately. Why is she missed off this list?
Perhaps I am too provocative? Perhaps a little too much hyperbole? Forgive me, but I want to make the point clear. In short, too many of us married ministers are scarcely loving our wives as Christ loved the church.